Why Self-Care Isn’t Enough for Anxious Burned out Moms - An Oregon Therapist Explains What Actually Helps
I’m Kaitlyn Dove, a therapist in Oregon and founder of The Nurtured Theory. I specialize in helping millennial moms navigate anxiety, burnout, and the identity shifts that come with motherhood.
When You’re In It So Deep, Self-Care Isn’t Enough But I Can Tell You What Is
There are times in motherhood where you are in the depths of survival mode. If you’re an anxious mom or feeling the weight of motherhood anxiety, you know the usual self-care tips don’t always work.
We all know about the pits of sleep deprivation in the newborn phase or the mental load of the tantrum phase, but I also want you to think about seasons where your marriage or partnership is stretched paper thin, the endless revolving door of sicknesses, financial strain, mental health spirals, grief, and loss. During these types of seasons, the usual “self-care” advice doesn’t even touch it.
You’re doing everything you can just to make it through the day. You take a “self-care shower,” but you don’t feel much better afterward. That’s because you’re at a point where you have to meet your biological needs before you consider anything as self-care. You are human with human needs and that shower isn’t indulgence, it’s survival.
Sure, in some seasons, the standard tips can help. But when you’re waking up five times a night with your child, the idea of setting an alarm for 4 a.m. to wake up before your kids is laughable. And when you see this advice online, you may not be laughing — you may be feeling resentful.
Resentful that time isn’t yours anymore.
Resentful that influencers seem to do it all, and still look good.
Resentful that your spouse didn’t wake up with the baby, so you can’t bear to get up before them.
Then there’s Instagram and TikTok:
“Wake up 30 minutes earlier than your kids.”
“Go for a walk by yourself.”
“Make sure to exercise.”
“Drink your water.”
“Eat healthy.”
You’re left feeling like you’re failing, even if you’re not consciously comparing yourself. The “shoulds” worm their to prove you’re managing motherhood the “right” way into your brain until it feels like you’re supposed to do them just
The ‘Should’ Trap: How Self-Care Advice Can Increase Anxiety in Moms
I should have gone to bed earlier last night and not watched another show.
Even though watching that show is what you looked forward to all day.
I should build a morning screen-free basket so I don’t turn on the TV first thing.
Even though turning on the TV lets you drink hot coffee and get ready after the kids wake at 5:30 a.m.
I should have stayed calmer during my toddler’s meltdown and used the parenting scripts I downloaded.
Even though the meltdown was a category 10 hurricane and no human could stay completely calm during it.
Why Moms Need More Than Parenting Tips
This is why The Nurtured Theory exists, so many moms are just constantly going. They hear the tips, tricks, opinions, and see the courses. The never-ending mental load of:
This child needs something.
My spouse needs something.
The house needs something.
Work needs something.
By the time everyone is in bed, you have 45 minutes of “you time” before you crash. It’s not enough, so then you stay awake for another hour, get even less sleep, and the cycle continues.
Hear me out: You’re not failing or doing it wrong. You’re a human being with human needs.
Before we talk about parenting tips or even the “self-care” ideas, I want to help you uncover what’s underneath your anxiety, burnout, and overwhelm.
How Therapy Helps Moms in Survival Mode
Learn more about how therapy can help!
In The Nurtured Theory, I have five guiding principles, but two are absolutely essential when you’re in the always “on” survival mode:
Know Your Story.
Where do your expectations and needs come from? Are they from your childhood? Are you still untangling beliefs about your worth? Are you deconstructing the messages you grew up with from family, culture, or religion?Stay Grounded to Build Connection.
Not in the “let’s do a box breath” kind of way, but in the “what does your body, as a human,not just a mom, actually need?” kind of way. Before you can show up for anyone else, you need to feel human again.
You cannot confidently parent from a place of depletion or take care of anyone until you start meeting your most basic needs( sleep, support, space ) before the “self-care” advice even applies.
Let’s start unpacking this together and find your way to have a confident motherhood journey. No mom, no human, should have to endure the overwhelm alone. Click the link below & book a free consult with me.
With Love,
-Kaitlyn Dove
Kaitlyn Dove, a therapist in Oregon and founder of The Nurtured Theory. Helping millennial moms move from burnout and self-doubt to clarity and confidence in motherhood. Learn more at www.thenurturedtheory.com.
QUICK TAKEAWAYS
Q: Why doesn’t self-care work when I’m burned out as a mom?
A: When you’re in survival mode, self-care tips like taking a walk or waking up early often feel impossible. Your body needs the basics first (sleep, support, and space) before those strategies can make a difference.
Q: How can I stop feeling guilty for not doing all the self-care “shoulds”?
A: Start by noticing which “shoulds” actually support you and which ones drain you. If a tip leaves you feeling resentful or more exhausted, it’s not helping. At The Nurtured Theory, I help moms untangle these expectations so they can focus on what’s truly nourishing.
Q: What’s the first step to feeling less anxious in motherhood?
A: Really look at the personal story you’re carrying. Specifically where your expectations and beliefs about motherhood come from. When you understand your story, you can start choosing what stays, what goes, and what actually serves your family.
Q: How can therapy help with motherhood burnout?
A: Therapy gives you a place to slow down, name what’s weighing on you, and rebuild from the ground up. In my work with moms across Oregon, we focus on meeting your human needs first so you can parent from a place of clarity and connection.