When Good Enough Feels Impossible: Untangling the Roots of Perfectionism
You’re the mom who gets it done and still wonders if it was enough. On the outside, things look steady: your kids are loved, lunches packed, tasks checked off. But inside? You’re anxious, tired, and constantly critiquing yourself. Perfectionism isn’t helping you thrive, it’s wearing you down.
Let’s talk about what perfectionism really is, where it shows up in motherhood, and how to start stepping out of its grip with clarity and not with shame.
WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM, REALLY?
Perfectionism isn’t just about neat handwriting or matching baby clothes. It’s a strategy for safety. A way to feel in control when life feels overwhelming or unpredictable. It often sounds like:
“If I can just get this right, I’ll finally feel better.”
“I can’t let anyone down.”
“I don’t want to be seen as struggling.”
It’s not a personality flaw. It’s a survival tool and one that might be outdated.
I had a client, let’s call her Kristen, who was the one everyone went to for advice. She would have friends, family, even other moms coming to her because it ‘looked’ like she had it all together, or because she always said yes in fear of letting someone down. However, Kristen started noticing that she needed support, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask. She said, ‘I should be able to handle this.’ That ‘should’ kept her from getting the care she desperately needed.”
What Kristen experienced is what so many moms suffer in quiet with. The perfectionism the fear of letting others down almost distorts their reality that they can’t ask for help, and they can’t accept the help.
HOW PERFECTIONISM CAN SHOW UP IN MOTHERHOOD
It might look like:
Replaying every interaction, wondering if you messed up.
Over-researching every decision and still feeling unsure.
Holding it all together so no one worries about you.
Comparing yourself to other moms and always coming up short.
Feeling like rest is something you have to earn.
Perfectionism says: “You could be doing more.” But more never feels like enough.
WHY IT’S EXHAUSTING & WHY IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
Perfectionism keeps your nervous system on high alert, always searching to do more of something or do it better. It can lead to:
chronic anxiety
burnout
resentment
emotional disconnection
identity loss
Often, it started long before motherhood. Maybe you grew up equating worth with achievement. Maybe being "on top of it all" helped you feel safe or lovable.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
STEPS TOWARD SELF-COMPASSION
Perfectionism thrives in silence. Here’s how we begin to step out of the trap:
Name it without shame. Notice when perfectionism shows up, without judgment.
Practice imperfection in safe ways. Let the dishes sit. Be late. Say “I don’t know.”
Anchor to your values, not to outcomes. What actually matters to you?
Shift the inner voice. Try: “I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”
WHAT THERAPY CAN OFFER
You don’t have to untangle this alone. Therapy offers a space to:
Understand the roots of your perfectionism
Learn nervous system tools to soften the internal pressure
Reconnect with your identity outside of performance
Build a life that aligns with your actual values — not society’s expectations
At The Nurtured Theory:
I support high-functioning, emotionally aware moms who feel buried under the weight of modern motherhood. My approach is grounded in values-based, identity-focused therapy, helping you understand your story, reconnect with your needs, and build steadiness from the inside out. Together, we quiet the perfectionism, work through the guilt, and create space for a version of motherhood that actually feels like you.
You can do this, you’re just carrying too much. You don’t need to work harder, you need a place to land.
💬 If this resonates, I’d love to support you.
Learn more at The Nurtured Theory or schedule a free consultation by clicking the button below.
With Love,
Kaitlyn Dove